I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole