Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough