i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.