the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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