I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
