hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
