Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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