Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
