I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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