I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
