It's like God shit irony all over that family
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
