ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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