You're my little dorito
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
