as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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