I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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