No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
