is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
