I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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