Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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