Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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