the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
