i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
