How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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