Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
