Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
