I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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