Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
