Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
