I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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