how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
