I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
