He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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