dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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