Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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