I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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