Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
