Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
