She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
