i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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