I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I FOUND THE LEGS
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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