Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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