Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
