He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
