I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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