I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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