My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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