I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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