Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
