My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
