the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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