Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
