all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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