I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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