No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I will be naked everywhere
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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