got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize