You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
