My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
false alarm, still single
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
