i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
