dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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