even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Vodka?
Forever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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