Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
