Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
