I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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