I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
